Salon.com, an online magazine, runs an advice column called "Since You Asked" by Cary Tennis. While I don't always agree with his advice, I always like how he says it. I thought his Halloween-related column was particularly poetic:
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/10/31/halloween/index.html
Choose one of the questions asked of and answered by him. You can see more questions towards the bottom of the page by clicking on "Read more Cary Tennis at the 'Since You Asked' directory." Copy and paste the question into your response (the question does not count towards your one-page count) and then answer the question.
Happy advicing!
DUE Sunday, November 11
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/10/31/halloween/index.html
Choose one of the questions asked of and answered by him. You can see more questions towards the bottom of the page by clicking on "Read more Cary Tennis at the 'Since You Asked' directory." Copy and paste the question into your response (the question does not count towards your one-page count) and then answer the question.
Happy advicing!
DUE Sunday, November 11
29 comments:
Cary,
I am a cheater. I've never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn't cheat on. When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend's back; as I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband. I am also a "lapper," in that I tend to start a new relationship while still in the previous one.
I've been with my current husband for almost seven years and married for two. We started dating while I was with my first husband. I would imagine he could infer from how our relationship began that I am not the most faithful of types, but I don't believe he suspects anything. And for the first five or six years of our relationship I was faithful.
Then last year, I slipped back into my old ways. No particular reason why -- I love my husband and am still very happy with him -- but an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up. That seemed to give me a free pass to fool around with other men -- another old friend (just out of curiosity), random men in bars (for fun), a client (terribly unethical, but that makes it even more exciting).
The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt. And I don't want to leave my husband. I've never been caught and I don't think I ever will be. I really haven't had any fallout from these illicit acts -- it hasn't affected my work or my personal life. Part of me thinks I do it because I always act so responsible and upstanding in all other parts of my life -- that I need some sort of release. I suspect I may stop if we have kids (we're in our mid-30s), but I don't really see a reason to. Is there something wrong with me?
Cheater
Dear Cheater,
This may sound harsh, but yes, I believe something is wrong with you. And I’m guessing you don’t know what it is. This is a problem. You are not happy with your life, it’s as simple as that. If you were you wouldn’t be striving for these temporary highs whether they be with a client, an old friend, or a random guy. I suggest that you take a step back from everything and ask yourself a few questions. Are you bored with your life? Does your husband not give you enough attention? Do you not like your job? If you claim that you are happy with your husband and in love with him there has to be some aspect of your life that is making you unhappy and so you are anxious for new things.
Saying that you suspect that you’ll stop when you have kids is not very definite sounding which is a little scary. It would be unfair to bring kids into your world with your husband when you are not being faithful to him. What happens to the kids when your husband finally wises up and realizes whats been going on for who knows how many years? Their image of a perfect mommy and daddy in love gets completely crushed. Mommy is showing them that it’s okay to be with multiple people but still love one in particular. This is not the case. Don’t let this pass on to your future children. Stop this before it destroys your relationship.
Do you have a lot of girlfriends? Next time youre feeling the need to cheat call up some friends for a girls night out, which does not include going to a bar to look for men. Go out to a movie with your friends, have a night in and make a dinner and watch movies. Better yet, if you have a really close friend you trust, talk to them. They know you better than I do and can maybe give some advice you trust a little more.
Or have a romantic night with your husband. Reminding yourself that you love him by having a night together may make you feel a bit a guilt, which may be a good thing. It’s unfair to him to continue down the path you’re going. He’s thinking you two are happily married.
If all this fails and you still find yourself with random men, I suggest you tell your husband. It’s really just not fair, its as simple as that. This may seem impossible to do since you are in love with him but stop thinking about yourself and think about him. If you really love him that much let him go, he deserves to be with someone else who will give him the respect that he deserves.
When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
I do not know when this happened, but it has happened. I notice this at work all the time. I work at a gymnastics and swimming facility for children ages eighteen months to eighteen years. Needless to say I am around many different kids and their families. I have noticed that if a child is acting up the parents will give them whatever they are whining about. For example, one boy was begging his mom if he could get a pop out of the machine in the lobby. I guess she finally got sick of hearing her son complain that she gave in and bought him a Pepsi. The boy probably has done that before and the mom caved so now he is going to act up every time he wants something and the parents do not give it to him. This is a very bad habit to get into because you saying no means nothing because in a few minutes you are going to give into the kid pressure. Instead of giving in she should have told him no and stuck to it and then if he still gave her grief I would have taken him to the car and made him sit until his sister was done at gymnastics. Or if I was going to let him get a soda then I would have given him the money to begin with instead of making it a big fight and letting the child win. As that boy will grow up he will not listen to his parents and has a chance that he might do something that he will regret later in life, just like the teenager wanting to dress up like a slut for Halloween. I am sure her parent did not want her to dress like this, so that must have been a fight. And then somehow the teenager gets her way and now she is parading around in barely anything at all acting dumber than she really is, this is leaving her way too vulnerable. At least I hope that the parents do not want their well behaved teenage girl out in something so tiny, but I could be wrong because people are just changing all their morals. For example some parents I know think it is perfectly fine for their high-schooler to have sex with anyone as long as they are having safe and protected sex. I am sorry sex is sex; it doesn’t matter if it is protect or not, those condoms are not one hundred percent accurate.
My history in a nutshell: I'm 32 and I've had four major depressive episodes. I've been on medication for this for 12 years. I've done years of personal and group therapy. It is partly genetic -- my mother and brother have similar problems (although my mother refuses to admit it). It is also partly environmental. My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad married and divorced several women in the next 15 years. He was financially responsible for us but rarely around for visits. My mother ended up with an abusive alcoholic, and I both watched her be abused (emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually) and was abused myself (emotionally, verbally and sexually, although he never actually touched me -- he just said creepy things and did inappropriate stuff). After I left home, I spent years in relationships that were bad for me, was promiscuous and miserable, didn't take care of myself, and had a lot of problems. I ended up in my very own three-year-long abusive relationship, in which my partner regularly coerced me into sex.
Four and a half years ago, I began to understand what happened to me. I had a great therapist who helped me in so many ways. I left my abusive partner. I had wonderful friends, an amazing brother, and my father became a much bigger part of my life. I met a wonderful man who became my partner (three years now), who is respectful and kind and loving and works around my issues. My mother and I have recently reconciled after years of no contact. I feel like I've mostly worked through things. I still have issues here and there, but people keep remarking on how honest and open and "wise" I am. I figured I had this mostly licked.
Eighteen months ago, I moved to England and started a Ph.D. I'm far away from my family, my friends and my partner. It was hard at first, but it got better as I adjusted. After 15 months, and for no apparent reason, I entered another depressive phase. I didn't realize for a while and got pretty bad before I went to my doctor and got my medication increased. I had started drinking more and more, but figured that it was a coping mechanism. The medication kicked in six weeks ago. I'm still drinking a bottle of wine almost every night, sometimes more.
I'm tipsy-drunk almost every night. I panic. I often crave the release of alcohol. If I start drinking, I don't stop until I run out or pass out. Thinking about giving up drinking makes me feel a bit panicky. I have, on several occasions in the past year, gotten very drunk at department functions -- probably not the best idea when professors/supervisors are around. So far, it hasn't affected my Ph.D. or my life. I'm young, in school, and living in a culture that glorifies drinking. I'm not hiding my drinking, and I haven't done anything bad. I'm not cheating on my partner, or failing, or even pissing off my flatmates. I've never had a drinking problem before, despite years of depression, anxiety and PTSD. But I'm beginning to worry.
Cary, what do you think? Do I have a problem? If I have a problem, what actions should I take? I really need an objective opinion on this, but I don't have anyone here that I can really ask about this.
Thanks.
Suddenly Drinking
Do I have a drinking problem?
Dear Soon to be alcoholic,
Lets see, you drink every night, panic when you are out of alcohol, and fear ever having to quit drinking. Um, yea, I do think that you have a little bit of a drinking problem. I will say that you are heading down the right path though. At least you are able to admit all of these things and you are beginning to question yourself as to whether or not you are an alcoholic. You already have been to many doctors and psychiatrists which is good. Now you just have to tell them about your drinking problem, and admit to them that you need help.
The good part is that you have not let your problem get out of control yet. You are still at the point where your life is not a spiraling mess and you are in good standing with the people around you and with your school work. This is the perfect time for you to either a.) decide right now that you are going to cut down on your drinking and make a permanent change with how much you drink, or b.) see a doctor and begin attending AA meetings a-sap. It seems as though that no matter what you choose, you will be able to work through it. After reading about how you got through such abusive times with your family as a child, and have overcome your hard relationships with your mother and ex girlfriend, I think that you are easily strong enough to overcome this and make a change.
My suggestion is to surround yourself with people who do not drink as much as you do. Start to notice how much others are drinking and try to pace yourself with them. Cutting down on drinking can be a hard thing, but you are still at the point where your problem can be catchable. Good luck.
Dear Cary,
I thought time (and therapy) heals all wounds. After a decade of living away from my chaotic family I am a lot stronger, happier and calmer. But when I'm near one of my sisters, I feel intense anger. It's as though I can see the edge of what's happening, yet I can't seem to not take her behavior personally.
Without getting into too much of the story, my mother raised eight children (the older kids helped raise the younger ones) after our unstable dad hit the road. Mom was overwhelmed, yet incredibly strong and courageous to be able to keep us together, fed and clothed. We all turned out OK, most of us making it to college, and several seem to have good, stable marriages. Now Mom lives in another state with the sister who bugs me.
The other night when I phoned my mother (it had been a few weeks since we had talked), within the first minute of conversation the sister interrupted the call four times (I could hear her in the background)! On the third distraction, with a slight bit of irritation creeping into my voice, I said, "Mom, want me to call you back, is this not a good time to talk?" To which she replied, "No it's OK, June just had something to tell me."
"June" is chaotic and I experience her as extremely manipulative. When I'm near her she flits chaotically, acts happy to see me, but her exchanges seem false. I often feel a deep sense of not being loved when I'm around this sister. I guess she's competing for our mom's attention -- or maybe we both are, although I just usually end up shutting down or feeling angry when I'm around her. When I see or speak to my mother away from this sister, we actually manage to connect (we've come a long way), unless Mom is too distracted. I can always tell when she's not being real and I've learned to be compassionate with her and just accept her how she is. Why can't I seem to do this with June? I've tried to be compassionate and patient with the sister in question, but I really feel like she enjoys ignoring me or trying to make me feel like I don't matter.
She seems to get attention by being sick or overwhelmed, or making like her life is so difficult -- which is really a joke, since her husband is one of the wealthiest people in the country. I know that with great wealth can come great stress -- I see the dark underbelly of the überwealthy through this family. But they also have some good, great and fun qualities (for being so wealthy they are fairly down to earth). They do take care of my mother, which I appreciate. I have to give June credit for sticking with her husband for more than 20 years -- there have been major challenges, as in any marriage. However, I'm sick of this sister's drama.
I know we can't change anything but our own reactions, so how can I lessen the trigger of this family member?
Lone Ranger (My Sister Is Trigger)
Dear Lone Ranger:
Have you ever tried talking to this sister about the problems you have with her attitude around you? If not, I would suggest you make a date with this sister to meet at a neutral place such as a coffeehouse or restaurant to talk about your feelings. At the meeting, you could explain to your sister how you feel when you are around her and then ask her what you do to annoy her. This kind of meeting could bring up some aspect from your sister that you had never considered.
However, if you have confronted your sister and nothing was solved by it, I would say to just get over it. If you have honestly talked to your sister about what is bothering you and she did not respond to your anger then I say that you should put her in your past and keep her there. Although she is family, it does seem obvious that both of you have grown up and apart with different values and views that are just too differing for you to really get along or appreciate each other. Continue to be cordial with her if you encounter her; however, I wouldn’t waste the effort and agony to be in touch with her and work with her if it brings about dread from your childhood. You, yourself, did say that after living away from your chaotic family for a decade you now feel happier, stronger, and calmer.
On the other hand, your sister has had a lasting marriage, at least to date, and does care and provide for your mother which I’m sure brings about stress on her part. Whenever you have called your mother have you ever spoken to your sister afterwards? If not, maybe she was hurt that you didn’t ask to speak to her also. Also, maybe if your sister is aware of your attitude towards her maybe she is afraid that you will say mean things about her to your mother and turn your mother against her.
I would suggest that you talk face to face to your sister and if that and all else fails, I would say that your sister is not worth being in your life if it causes this much stress; but if you choose that option it should be your last resort.
Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear Concerned,
I agree with you one hundred percent, but it is up to the parents to decide what is appropriate and what is not. It saddens me when I see young girls dressed up on Halloween as sexy cats, naughty nurses, etc. Girls dress up in these ridiculous costumes because they crave male attention; however they often feel that they get the wrong kind of attention than they intended. They then want to complaint that they are being objectified by men. I really want to tell them that they are doing it to themselves. I never really understood the reason why teenage girls and young women dressed up like that. Why in the world would you want to attract a man who probably only noticed you because of what you were or were not wearing. The person that you probably attract dressed in some sexy outfit is probably ninety-nine percent interested in only one thing…sex. I personally would rather have someone like me for who I am rather than because I look good dressed in some slutty outfit. These girls are growing up with a negative view of what men feel women should look like, and they are going to grow up thinking that they have to dress like sluts to attract men. These girls’ parents are going to have a rude awakening when their daughters grow older and have a negative self image about themselves, and then they’re going to wonder where they went wrong. Like I said I totally agree with you that young women are dressing too provocative for their age group. The downside is that nothing can be done about it because parents are the ones who determine what their kids should and should not wear.
Cary,
I am a cheater. I've never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn't cheat on. When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend's back; as I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband. I am also a "lapper," in that I tend to start a new relationship while still in the previous one.
I've been with my current husband for almost seven years and married for two. We started dating while I was with my first husband. I would imagine he could infer from how our relationship began that I am not the most faithful of types, but I don't believe he suspects anything. And for the first five or six years of our relationship I was faithful.
Then last year, I slipped back into my old ways. No particular reason why -- I love my husband and am still very happy with him -- but an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up. That seemed to give me a free pass to fool around with other men -- another old friend (just out of curiosity), random men in bars (for fun), a client (terribly unethical, but that makes it even more exciting).
The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt. And I don't want to leave my husband. I've never been caught and I don't think I ever will be. I really haven't had any fallout from these illicit acts -- it hasn't affected my work or my personal life. Part of me thinks I do it because I always act so responsible and upstanding in all other parts of my life -- that I need some sort of release. I suspect I may stop if we have kids (we're in our mid-30s), but I don't really see a reason to. Is there something wrong with me?
Cheater
Dear Cheater,
I think that you defiantly have a problem just recently I was cheated on by my boyfriend of 16 months and I didn’t know what to do. I found out when I asked him about what was going on because he just seemed off. He only told me half the story but at that point I have just assumed the rest. The worse part about it was that it was with one of my best friends which just killed me. I tried to break up with him 3 times but every time I realized that I didn’t want to leave him. I know what he did was wrong and he knows what he did was wrong but I think I love him enough and he loves me enough that such an event like this can be seen as a pot hole or bump in the road but we can get through it. I always told myself that if anyone ever cheated on me I would dump his ass so fast. But I love him. And I think that if you are taking the time to write to me than you have a lot of guilt that you don’t want to admit is there. I think you should come clean to your spouse tell him that you think you have a problem and if it is meant to be and he loves you enough it will work out in the end. I think that if you are both really committed to this relationship you will both understand that you need to work harder at it and maybe that means a therapist for you and your husband or maybe that means you need to work on your communications skills a little more but I do know that coming clean is the smartest choice because I know you haven’t been caught yet but eventually you will. And this string of lies can’t go on forever.
Dear Cary,
My husband and I have had a relationship for the past eight years, though we have only been married for three. We have two adorable young children. Five years ago, my husband had a sexual encounter (without intercourse) with one of my close friends. We have since gotten past this, and I eventually even trusted him again. However, my sister recently told me that on two occasions in the past three months my husband has kissed and groped her when they were both drinking.
After I confronted him, he told me about four other instances in which they kissed and touched. All of the occurrences he mentioned, he said, were initiated by her a year ago or more. He denied the instances she had told me about, which were much more recent and which, she said, were initiated by him. He claimed that he didn't remember doing anything she had accused him of, but when I asked if he thought he could have, he said yes.
I know that on at least one of these occasions, he drove one hour from her house to ours afterward, so he could not have been drunk enough to black out. By the way, she also denies everything he says.
My problem is that I still love him. I want to believe that it was a mistake and I want our lives to go back to normal. However, I'm not sure that my husband actually wants this. He says that he is sorry and that he wants and loves me and our children, but he has not done much to show me this. In the past month since I found out about this mess, he has bathed the kids all by himself once and offered to rub my back once. I will admit that he has generally been nicer to me, but he has definitely not gone out of his way to show me that he is sorry and truly wants our relationship to last.
There was no actual intercourse, and I realize that people make mistakes, especially when there is alcohol involved. The fact that it happened so many times and that it was with my sister makes it so much harder to forgive. I love him and want to have my family, but why should I believe he won't do it again?
Am I being too hard on him, or is he really the creep that I sometimes believe he is?
Too Hurt for Words
Dear Too Hurt,
Have you ever heard the term “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? He has been cheating on you with your sister. How can you still love him? I know you have children, but do you want them growing up with a dad who likes to kiss their aunt. Won’t that be weird if one day when your kids are older and the whole cheating situation still have not gone away, and one of your children see them kissing? I think that would be the worst thing.
You cannot just be mad and not trust your husband, your sister is probably not as innocent as she seems. I think she is as guilty as your husband, she may deny the facts but it can’t just be him. If she truly cared about you, and not hurting your feelings, I think this situation would of only happened once. Since this situation keeps happening, it is both of them who are making the first move behind your back.
I would confront both of them. I know you still love him, but it is not worth being hurt all the time. Tell them you know what is going on, and there might be more to the story. Maybe they have had intercourse and they are keeping it from you. This would be a good time to discuss everything. Let them tell you everything and get it all out. When they start telling you every, do not get mad and start crying and screaming. Instead, wait till they tell you everything and then you can react however you want.
Try to see what you are going to do and how you want your future to be. Do you really want to stay with someone who is cheating and hurting you emotionally? He has told you about the other girl and your sister told you about them, do you think there are more girls? Talk to him, communication is the key to any relationship. Try to have an open mind and discuss possible ways to fix things. Just remember some things cannot be fixed.
Sept. 28, 2007 | Dear Cary,
I am thrilled to be getting married this spring to a wonderful man. My fiancé proposed last winter, and we have been planning our wedding for over a year. This is a big deal for us. We started dating in 1999, and have lived together since 2001. We have struggled financially in the past, dealt with harrowing layoffs, college loans, illnesses and the loss of our beloved dog to cancer. Now we are finally in a place where we can have a nice wedding and share our commitment with our family and closest friends.
This should be the happiest time of my relationship, but I am struggling with an issue. My fiancé's 38-year-old brother and best man has shacked up with a 20-year-old single mother who grates on my nerves. His brother met her through his ex-girlfriend's daughter's GED program. Seriously.
But it gets odder. She has just informed us that she is pregnant again, and will have the baby in time to bring him to our wedding. Now they are getting married too, possibly before the baby or immediately after. Translation: around the same time as our wedding. She keeps saying things like, "I'm not trying to upstage you guys, but we're so excited!" She is beside herself with joy. She's also leaving her job to go on government assistance. And she expects her new in-laws to help pay for everything.
The best man has children from his first marriage whom he has no relationship with, and is "really trying to make a go of this one." He is very open about the pregnancy's being an accident but wanting to do the right thing. I commend him for that; however, I am saddened and cannot process why people feel the personal need to populate the world with more children than they can obviously handle. I'm pretty sure it was intentional on her part, and she's just a kid looking to "play house" or get a "meal ticket."
I am also appalled that the pregnant girlfriend is so determined to interfere with our little wedding. I have been very positive and congratulatory to them, but their conduct is very hurtful to me. I know my fiancé loves his brother and will embrace his new nephew with love. We both will, but neither of us can understand their relationship. I also try to be respectful of them for my fiancé, even though it is often very difficult. Now I feel like I am involved in a "Jerry Springer" episode against my will. I just want to have a nice wedding. Does that make me a selfish Bridezilla?
Ultimately, I am not sure how to get past this. Do I have to be the bigger person at my own wedding? We weren't planning on inviting kids, but she has made it clear the new baby will come, invited or not. I waited a long time to get married to the right person for all the right reasons. I cannot help being critical of my new sister-in-law, but I don't want to be pushed around by a pathetic, attention-seeking 20-year-old, either. How do I deal with her without being a sucker or seeming like a total bitch by being honest and direct with her?
Baffled Bride-to-Be
Dear Baffled Bride,
I am sure that this situation upsets you because you just want your wedding to be perfect. Every girl dreams of the perfect wedding and now that yours is coming there is something that might ruin it for you. All every girl wants is to have the best day of their lives and if something is going on that she knows is doesn’t want to happen she is going to worry about how it is going to affect her big day, ultimately causing her to stress our and not have the great day that she has longed for all her life. This is why I agree with you. I would be stressed out about this situation too, but you have to remember that this 20 year old is going to be family, if you said from the beginning that you do not want kids at your wedding then stick to what you said. If there are no children at all coming, you will not have to feel bad about telling her that you don’t want her to bring her baby. Of course she will not be happy about this but you have to stand up for yourself, it’s your wedding and if you do not want children there then tell her that. Now, I do think that you can get past the fact that she is there. I do not think it will be that big of a deal, sure she will probably get on your nerves and try to steal the attention away from you, but you know what, it’s you wedding and someone is going to say something to her if she gets out of control with you. It’s your day and everyone knows how big of a deal that is, even your “trashy” in laws. If she does end up bringing the baby after you ask her not to, guess what she is going to be the one that looks like the bad guy because, once again, it is your wedding and since you said no children people are going to look down on her for bringing the baby, but you have to say something to her now. You need to tell her that you want a small wedding with just family and you do not want any children to come. You have the right to tell her that and people are not going to think you are a bridezilla. If his family does think that about you, well who cares I’m sure your husband to be will side with you but not unless you tell people how you feel right now, if you wait to long people are going to think that you just don’t want her baby there. So, if you want a childless wedding start speaking up. Wait too long and you’ll just have to live with it. Stand up, speak out! This is your wedding not your families!
Cary,
I am a cheater. I've never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn't cheat on. When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend's back; as I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband. I am also a "lapper," in that I tend to start a new relationship while still in the previous one.
I've been with my current husband for almost seven years and married for two. We started dating while I was with my first husband. I would imagine he could infer from how our relationship began that I am not the most faithful of types, but I don't believe he suspects anything. And for the first five or six years of our relationship I was faithful.
Then last year, I slipped back into my old ways. No particular reason why -- I love my husband and am still very happy with him -- but an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up. That seemed to give me a free pass to fool around with other men -- another old friend (just out of curiosity), random men in bars (for fun), a client (terribly unethical, but that makes it?
The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt. And I don't want to leave my husband. I've never been caught and I don't think I ever will be. I really haven't had any fallout from these illicit acts -- it hasn't affected my work or my personal life. Part of me thinks I do it because I always act so responsible and upstanding in all other parts of my life -- that I need some sort of release. I suspect I may stop if we have kids (we're in our mid-30s), but I don't really see a reason to. Is there something wrong with me
Dear Cheater-
This is a big problem. You can not be doing this for the rest of your life. You are a married woman this is simply not allowed. You need to figure out what you want to do with your life. You say that you have always been a cheater…you need to make a change you have no respect for yourself. You need to confront your husband about what you have been doing. You also need to decide if this is what you want for yourself. Do you really want to be sneaking around during your marriage? Do you really love your husband? You need to think about these questions. Not only are you eventually going to be hurting yourself but also your husband. You can not jus think about yourself. You are team together and you are breaking the rules. Tell your husband what you are going through and maybe the two of you can work things out. You just really need to get your life in order and see what you want. You do not want to start having kids if you are going to continue to sleep around. For your kids to eventually figure out what have been doing is wrong and not a good example. Your kids will look at your choices you make and think they are ok which they are for sure not ok. You need to get your life on track, and really take a look at what you have done and what your need to change about yourself.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
I think this a very good question but to answer this question you have evaluate every situation along. For example depending on the place you were born and the values that they teach you. You build up your personality and by this I mean that depending on your values you will decide the way that you want the society to see you. Sometimes I doesn’t matter how good of an education your parents try to give you. You want to be free and create your own image. This sometimes can be not a good idea like for example a good girl dressing up as a stripper in Halloween I doesn’t matter what kind of background education she has it was her desiccation. Her way of going out of the box so I really doesn’t matter her parent opinion and in this case you can say that anything that she wants to do is not ok but she still is going to do it. So in most of the cases you can say that the parents have the big influence in the values that a child has but nobody knows how he is going to react went he or she faces hard decision and the real world by this I mean went she goes about side the box to create her own personality by which the hold world will judge him as a individual. So we can say that the answer to this question depends on the family life that you have and the way that you want society to see you as a person.
I thought time (and therapy) heals all wounds. After a decade of living away from my chaotic family I am a lot stronger, happier and calmer. But when I'm near one of my sisters, I feel intense anger. It's as though I can see the edge of what's happening, yet I can't seem to not take her behavior personally.
Without getting into too much of the story, my mother raised eight children (the older kids helped raise the younger ones) after our unstable dad hit the road. Mom was overwhelmed, yet incredibly strong and courageous to be able to keep us together, fed and clothed. We all turned out OK, most of us making it to college, and several seem to have good, stable marriages. Now Mom lives in another state with the sister who bugs me.
The other night when I phoned my mother (it had been a few weeks since we had talked), within the first minute of conversation the sister interrupted the call four times (I could hear her in the background)! On the third distraction, with a slight bit of irritation creeping into my voice, I said, "Mom, want me to call you back, is this not a good time to talk?" To which she replied, "No it's OK, June just had something to tell me."
"June" is chaotic and I experience her as extremely manipulative. When I'm near her she flits chaotically, acts happy to see me, but her exchanges seem false. I often feel a deep sense of not being loved when I'm around this sister. I guess she's competing for our mom's attention -- or maybe we both are, although I just usually end up shutting down or feeling angry when I'm around her. When I see or speak to my mother away from this sister, we actually manage to connect (we've come a long way), unless Mom is too distracted. I can always tell when she's not being real and I've learned to be compassionate with her and just accept her how she is. Why can't I seem to do this with June? I've tried to be compassionate and patient with the sister in question, but I really feel like she enjoys ignoring me or trying to make me feel like I don't matter.
She seems to get attention by being sick or overwhelmed, or making like her life is so difficult -- which is really a joke, since her husband is one of the wealthiest people in the country. I know that with great wealth can come great stress -- I see the dark underbelly of the überwealthy through this family. But they also have some good, great and fun qualities (for being so wealthy they are fairly down to earth). They do take care of my mother, which I appreciate. I have to give June credit for sticking with her husband for more than 20 years -- there have been major challenges, as in any marriage. However, I'm sick of this sister's drama.
I know we can't change anything but our own reactions, so how can I lessen the trigger of this family member?
Lone Ranger (My Sister Is Trigger)
Dear Lone Ranger,
This seems to be a case of jealousy. It is okay to be jealous of someone a tiny bit, but it is not okay to be like this. A family is suppose to be there for support and to love each other, it doesn;t sound like either of you are doing a good job of that. I knoiw that it can be hard to understand siblings sometimes, trust me, I have four. But you need to accept people for who they are, your paths will keep crossing throughout life. I know it can be hard to understand, but I promise, you will feel relief once you focus on the good in June. You may want to try to confront her about what bothers you about her and actually talk to her face to face. This could get rid of a lot of problems. I know tat sibling battles can be very hard to go through, and jealousy can be the worst thing to feel, but you have to remember that you are only human and this happends to people. Don't beat yourself up about it, but try to make more of an effort to understand June.
Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear concerned,
First of all, every senior in high school girl’s favorite holiday is Halloween. Whether they are having a costume party of just going out around the neighborhood, every girl loves to dress up! Stereotypes kind of “hide away” during Halloween because a lot of the girls wear the same costumes. Halloween is a holiday where every girl feels like it’s not being a slut because everyone does it. It’s the one day of the year where you feel you can get away with it. Even if girls are dressing up just to get boys attention, you have to have trust in them that they will make the right decision if something were to come up.
Do you parents really think that your high school senior would rather go out dressed as Poor Bear? I know you are worried about what people will think about your daughters, but their daughters are going out with the same kind of outfit on. Even though the lack of concern is what bothers you the most, unless you say something to your girlfriend, there’s nothing really you can do. I know you are worried about the girls reputation but it is just to fit in, and everyone does it. If the parents are worried about their own daughters and the attention they will receive, then it is their job to set them straight.
Halloween is looked at as a fun holiday. Even though it is known as the time to dress up, still remember: A girl can still be a very nice girl, regardless of what she likes to wear.
Dear Cary,
My husband and I just got married, and since we started dating, we've both talked about the kind of life that we want for our family. We both really like to be home, like home projects and house-making. We also really like the idea of a community where people and schools are good and we can settle in, make friends and make a life for ourselves.
Recently, I took a work trip to the Midwest and fell in love. I really like the pace of life, the size of the cities, and the people. The whole experience felt so much more like my idea of a great life.
Today, we live in Orange County, Calif. Southern California mostly feels like a struggle to make more money, be thinner, drive a better car, and eat at trendier chain restaurants. Ugh. It's not a great community for us. I have a great job, but my husband doesn't. Even with both of our jobs, we can barely afford a good apartment, much less a home. If we start a family, we'd both have to work to even make ends meet.
My husband just heard that he will likely not get a promotion. If not, there's little point to him staying with his company. If we know we want to move, should we take the opportunity to do so now before we do have kids and it's even harder? Of course, that's a scary leap, and that part of me that loves the idea of settling into a good community and life also likes security, and moving across the country is a big, big deal. Do we wait for a more obvious sign and an easy path to move, or should we pack up the van and follow our hearts?
Wisconsin Dreamin'
Dear Wisconsin Dreamin’,
Being from the Midwest and having never been to California, I’m going to seem a little bias. I think the Midwest is a great place to grow up and raise a family and have a good career. I also think that California can be a great place to raise a family and have a good life. I know that being a teenager in the Midwest, we look at California and dream of living there and having the perfect weather and the nice beaches. I think that if your main goal is to find a steady career, then go where you have to go to find it. I would not limit yourself to just the Midwest. There are a million nice places to live and raise a family all over the country. If you cannot afford to live in California, then I think that you should move somewhere else, but do not believe that moving some place new is going to solve all your problems. Moving might actually create new problems for you, like finding a new job might be difficult for you and adjusting to the new style of life. The weather might be the biggest difference, it gets cold here and rains a lot. As for raising a family, I believe that the Midwest is the place to do it. Living in the suburbs, it is a way of life to start a family and send your kids to the good schools and everyone is friendly and makes you feel welcome. I do not know what it is like living a California, but I would think that it is somewhat similar. Ultimately the choice is up to you, and you have to do what you can afford.
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear whoever, I feel that a kid that age has no right to dress up like a slut. This isn’t something new; this is something that has been happening for awhile. I must say that I don’t mind it but I can say that is just get thoughts turning in guy’s heads. I am a guy and I think I would know. If that were my daughter she would be dressed up in a dress covering everything. I would never allow her to go out in public dressed like a slut. Yeah she may have some rights but at 16 they are limited. I know your daughter must feel like a big shot with getting her license and all but dressing up like a slut and trying to impress the guys is the entire wrong move. I don’t know how a parent could let a daughter walk out like that. Do they not care? Where is the love? This just seems crazy to me and I would never stand for it.
On the other hand it is Halloween and yes that means dressing up crazy. I would consider this crazy and out of the norm which is what we want for Halloween. When you dress up you want to be noticed and this is a girl’s way of getting away with dressing like a slut and everyone being okay with it. Halloween can be considered a night for the girls to let loose and let it hang out. That is basically what is going on. It is not just one girl it’s the majority of girls going out on Halloween. For one night they have the opportunity to impress guys and really make them think. For one night everything revolves around the girls because if they don’t show up to the party in those costumes it’s just an ordinary night.
I guess you could say whoever this goes to, that I feel it is the girl’s choice but it is a very bad one. It just creates bad situations and if you include alcohol you’re talking about horrible situations. Granted I’ m sure this 16 year old isn’t planning on getting drunk but hey, you never know and you never know if this innocent girl hasn’t experienced those sexual occurrences.
Dear Cary,
My history in a nutshell: I'm 32 and I've had four major depressive episodes. I've been on medication for this for 12 years. I've done years of personal and group therapy. It is partly genetic -- my mother and brother have similar problems (although my mother refuses to admit it). It is also partly environmental. My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad married and divorced several women in the next 15 years. He was financially responsible for us but rarely around for visits. My mother ended up with an abusive alcoholic, and I both watched her be abused (emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually) and was abused myself (emotionally, verbally and sexually, although he never actually touched me -- he just said creepy things and did inappropriate stuff). After I left home, I spent years in relationships that were bad for me, was promiscuous and miserable, didn't take care of myself, and had a lot of problems. I ended up in my very own three-year-long abusive relationship, in which my partner regularly coerced me into sex. Four and a half years ago, I began to understand what happened to me. I had a great therapist who helped me in so many ways. I left my abusive partner. I had wonderful friends, an amazing brother, and my father became a much bigger part of my life. I met a wonderful man who became my partner (three years now), who is respectful and kind and loving and works around my issues. My mother and I have recently reconciled after years of no contact. I feel like I've mostly worked through things. I still have issues here and there, but people keep remarking on how honest and open and "wise" I am. I figured I had this mostly licked. Eighteen months ago, I moved to England and started a Ph.D. I'm far away from my family, my friends and my partner. It was hard at first, but it got better as I adjusted. After 15 months, and for no apparent reason, I entered another depressive phase. I didn't realize for a while and got pretty bad before I went to my doctor and got my medication increased. I had started drinking more and more, but figured that it was a coping mechanism. The medication kicked in six weeks ago. I'm still drinking a bottle of wine almost every night, sometimes more. I'm tipsy-drunk almost every night. I panic. I often crave the release of alcohol. If I start drinking, I don't stop until I run out or pass out. Thinking about giving up drinking makes me feel a bit panicky. I have, on several occasions in the past year, gotten very drunk at department functions -- probably not the best idea when professors/supervisors are around. So far, it hasn't affected my Ph.D. or my life. I'm young, in school, and living in a culture that glorifies drinking. I'm not hiding my drinking, and I haven't done anything bad. I'm not cheating on my partner, or failing, or even pissing off my flatmates. I've never had a drinking problem before, despite years of depression, anxiety and PTSD. But I'm beginning to worry. Cary, what do you think? Do I have a problem? If I have a problem, what actions should I take? I really need an objective opinion on this, but I don't have anyone here that I can really ask about this.
Thanks.
Suddenly Drinking
Dear Suddenly Drinking,
The question that you ask is Do I have a drinking problem? From what you have shared it seems that the answer to this question would be yes. You drinking every night is not an issue but the problem is you don’t drink socially. You shared that you drinking until you pass out or you run out of alcohol. Saying that you feel panicky when you do not have any alcohol is a problem. The best thing is you have noticed that you may have a problem which is a huge step. I would suggest a few things for you to try. The first thing is when you go out set yourself a limit. When you are at the pub tell yourself and your friends I’m only going to have three drinks tonight. Once you have reached those three drinks make sure you stop drinking alcohol. Another suggestion would be go to a few meetings. There are many people that have been in the same situation that you are in and have had success. The most important thing is that you have realized that there is something wrong. Ultimately it is up to you to fix this situation. There is not any medicine that will make you stop drinking. You have to be the one that stops it. You are the one that has to make it stop.
I think that I agree with the response on the second page that says that girls should do what they want to do because it is Halloween and people dress up and it really is no big deal. Sure, it gets to a point where there is too much showing and they should not be wearing some of the clothes that they are wearing, but Halloween in is once a year and they should be able to wear what they thinks that would make their Halloween good. It gets to a point in life where the parents are not going to have control over those little kinds of things because they are going to do what they want when the parents aren’t looking. They have to become mature on their own and realize that what they are doing is childish and wrong in some cases. As a guy it is a little different for me because I can go out and see these kinds of dressed women and not have a problem with it (most guys wouldn’t). It comes from the female perspective that they are not dressing the right way because the older more matured females would not dress this way because they know better. I think that it is a stage that girls go through where they want to experiment and see what they can do to provoke the other sex. Now there is a another side to this because I don’t know what I would say to my daughter if she left the house like that because as a father there are different things that may be running through your mind because that is your little girl not just another girl that you meet on Halloween. I would say that I would not want the girls to dress like this if I was a father just because I would say the same thing about my sister. On the same side I would still stick with what I said before that they have to experiment with what they want to because they will either learn the easy way or the hard way which will either way show them the right way to live their lives. Parents are right to worry about how their girls dress on Halloween and I agree with the mother, but I would say also think of the concept of letting the girl explore what think is cool.
Oct. 31, 2007 | Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Seriously chill out. Girls just do this to have fun. Since their parents don’t let them dress like this normally, just let them do it on Halloween. The daughter just wants to have some fun. If you tell her not to do something that she really wants to do, she’s going to want to do it more. Especially if other parents are letting their kids wear that, do you want to be the one to tell her she’s not allowed to wear it? Most importantly, you are not the parent. Your girlfriend is the parent. She knows her daughter well enough and trusts her enough to allow her to wear that costume. Letting the girl dress somewhat slutty is not having the lack of concern, but the daughter growing up, making her own decisions. She’s basically eighteen and can do what she wants to anyways. If she seems like she’s a good girl, she most likely is. I would recommend not getting involved with that because if you want to get any relationship with her daughter it’s better for you to mind your own business. Think about how you were when you were a teenager. Did you want your parents telling you what to do? Can you imagine hearing that your mom’s boyfriend is telling her how to parent? Also, do you think that your girlfriend wants to hear you complaining about this? You will deeply regret giving your advice on something that is none of your business anyways. Concerned, I see why you would be concerned. It’s not good having girls present themselves as a slut, but if it’s just Halloween let it go. Keep with it, and hope your situation works out.
Cary,
I am a cheater. I've never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn't cheat on. When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend's back; as I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband. I am also a "lapper," in that I tend to start a new relationship while still in the previous one.
I've been with my current husband for almost seven years and married for two. We started dating while I was with my first husband. I would imagine he could infer from how our relationship began that I am not the most faithful of types, but I don't believe he suspects anything. And for the first five or six years of our relationship I was faithful.
Then last year, I slipped back into my old ways. No particular reason why -- I love my husband and am still very happy with him -- but an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up. That seemed to give me a free pass to fool around with other men -- another old friend (just out of curiosity), random men in bars (for fun), a client (terribly unethical, but that makes it even more exciting).
The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt. And I don't want to leave my husband. I've never been caught and I don't think I ever will be. I really haven't had any fallout from these illicit acts -- it hasn't affected my work or my personal life. Part of me thinks I do it because I always act so responsible and upstanding in all other parts of my life -- that I need some sort of release. I suspect I may stop if we have kids (we're in our mid-30s), but I don't really see a reason to. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Concerned,
I want you to know that I have read your question and evaluated your situation and want you to know that there is definitely something wrong with you. It is simply immoral to cheat on your spouse. The fact of the matter is, is that although you may care about him a lot, it is not enough to call it love or else you would not be cheating on him. Even if you did sleep with someone else once, if you truly loved him then you would feel guilty enough to tell him and then never do it again. You don't at all. In fact you are heartless. What I would suggest for you is that you divorce before you plan on having children because you are not being fair to your husband, your kids will grow up to resent you, and you just aren't cut out to be faithful. It seems like you are a smart woman, but no responsible. You have no respect for your husband or for yourself. First what you need to do is find psychiatric treatment. Next you must tell your husband about your infidelity and third you must understand yourself why it is so immoral to cheat. If you truly loved someone then you would have no interest in cheating but you are still looking for a thrill. Until you grow up and out of that high school stage then relationships are just simply not for you. You need to put yourself in the other person's shoes. I once had a girlfriend who cheated on me and it made me furious. I want revenge, and really nothing to do with her ever again. If you think for a second that your husband will be understanding he won't. He will divorce you and you will deserve it. If you take on the responsiblity of sleeping with others then you can certainly take on the responsibility of listening to your husband hurt. You must evaluate what is really important to you in life. If sex in general is what gives you a thrill then you should not be married because marriage should be about much more than sex. If you want to disrespect yourself by sleeping with people who you find exciting then that is your perogative but don't do it at the expense of someone else's happiness. You have a problem whether you want to believe it or not. You are disrespectful, heartless, immature, too horny, and just need psychiatric help. Until you address all of these things and fix them then your marriage cannot be salvaged.
When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
These days’ kids are getting away with things they should not be getting away with. Kids are drinking more at a younger age, smoking more at a younger age, engaging in sexual activities, and not obeying their parents. Kids are not being punished they way they should by both the parents and the schools. Some kids are getting into three or four fights a year and the schools are just suspending the kids or giving them a detention. When, the schools should be expelling the students. In addition, the parents are not doing enough to the kids when they get in a fight or talk back. Some parents are just putting their kids in timeout, when they should be punishing them more. This could be by grounding them or spanking them. Along with punishments, kids are doing things that are more inappropriate these days.
Kids are doing drugs at younger age, and if the parents catch them doing this, they should punish them horribly. First off, before the kids grow up, the parents should sit down and talk with the kids to tell them how bad drugs are and how they should never think about using drugs. Along with drugs starting at a young age, some kids are engaging in sexual activities at a younger age. The parents should also sit down and have a talk with their kids about sex and how it should be taken seriously and how it could greatly affect their lives. One night the kid might get drunk and have sex with someone he does not even know. Then that will affect him and her for the rest of their lives.
Therefore, going back to the article about the girl dressing up as a stripper, she should not be allowed to do that at that age. This is because she is giving the wrong message to people even though it is on Halloween. This is not something that we should be allowing our kids to do. Parents need to gain more control over their children to reduce these types of problems.
My history in a nutshell: I'm 32 and I've had four major depressive episodes. I've been on medication for this for 12 years. I've done years of personal and group therapy. It is partly genetic -- my mother and brother have similar problems (although my mother refuses to admit it). It is also partly environmental. My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad married and divorced several women in the next 15 years. He was financially responsible for us but rarely around for visits. My mother ended up with an abusive alcoholic, and I both watched her be abused (emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually) and was abused myself (emotionally, verbally and sexually, although he never actually touched me -- he just said creepy things and did inappropriate stuff). After I left home, I spent years in relationships that were bad for me, was promiscuous and miserable, didn't take care of myself, and had a lot of problems. I ended up in my very own three-year-long abusive relationship, in which my partner regularly coerced me into sex.
Four and a half years ago, I began to understand what happened to me. I had a great therapist who helped me in so many ways. I left my abusive partner. I had wonderful friends, an amazing brother, and my father became a much bigger part of my life. I met a wonderful man who became my partner (three years now), who is respectful and kind and loving and works around my issues. My mother and I have recently reconciled after years of no contact. I feel like I've mostly worked through things. I still have issues here and there, but people keep remarking on how honest and open and "wise" I am. I figured I had this mostly licked.
Eighteen months ago, I moved to England and started a Ph.D. I'm far away from my family, my friends and my partner. It was hard at first, but it got better as I adjusted. After 15 months, and for no apparent reason, I entered another depressive phase. I didn't realize for a while and got pretty bad before I went to my doctor and got my medication increased. I had started drinking more and more, but figured that it was a coping mechanism. The medication kicked in six weeks ago. I'm still drinking a bottle of wine almost every night, sometimes more.
I'm tipsy-drunk almost every night. I panic. I often crave the release of alcohol. If I start drinking, I don't stop until I run out or pass out. Thinking about giving up drinking makes me feel a bit panicky. I have, on several occasions in the past year, gotten very drunk at department functions -- probably not the best idea when professors/supervisors are around. So far, it hasn't affected my Ph.D. or my life. I'm young, in school, and living in a culture that glorifies drinking. I'm not hiding my drinking, and I haven't done anything bad. I'm not cheating on my partner, or failing, or even pissing off my flatmates. I've never had a drinking problem before, despite years of depression, anxiety and PTSD. But I'm beginning to worry.
Cary, what do you think? Do I have a problem? If I have a problem, what actions should I take? I really need an objective opinion on this, but I don't have anyone here that I can really ask about this.
Dear Suddenly Drinking
I am extremely surprised that you need to ask me if you have a problem. You had just explained in your letter that you are drinking around a bottle of wine a night and the thought of having to give it up freaks you out. You are an alcoholic and the first thing you need to do is understand that this is a big problem that you have and it needs to be changed.
With you and your family’s long history of depression and your constant need to be on medication the use of alcohol cannot help you and will only make things worse. You mentioned how you have come from an abusive childhood and had a hard life growing up but you do not want to make your life as an adult worse by letting your depression lead you to drinking. You mentioned that at parties with your professors and peers you tend to drink excessively and get drunk. I know this has not yet affected your Ph.D but it could become extremely detrimental to your career as well as your life.
It is good to hear that you are able to admit it to yourself that you think a problem is occurring with alcohol which is normally the hardest part. Now you need to action right away before the problem gets carried away and you end up an alcoholic with no help for recovery. On your trips to discuss your depression with your doctors or therapist you should mention your growing concern about your problem with alcohol and see what their opinion on the subject is and what they believe would be best for you. Since you are becoming alarmed so early in your stage of abusive drinking this problem can be handled easier then it would be if you had been drinking for years and still had no idea that this was a horrible problem that could affect your future. You sound like you are a young guy and the affects that your childhood had on you has to be ruff but there is no point in making it any worse by drinking. If you listen to me and seek help for your problem that you have you will be much happier and fulfilled to learn that you are able to overcome such an obstacle and still be as happy as you were while you drank. Your problem can be easily changed if you take action now. I wish you good luck!
Cary,
I am a cheater. I've never had a boyfriend or husband that I didn't cheat on. When I was younger, it would just be making out behind a boyfriend's back; as I got older, I would sleep with men that were not my husband. I am also a "lapper," in that I tend to start a new relationship while still in the previous one.
I've been with my current husband for almost seven years and married for two. We started dating while I was with my first husband. I would imagine he could infer from how our relationship began that I am not the most faithful of types, but I don't believe he suspects anything. And for the first five or six years of our relationship I was faithful.
Then last year, I slipped back into my old ways. No particular reason why -- I love my husband and am still very happy with him -- but an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up. That seemed to give me a free pass to fool around with other men -- another old friend (just out of curiosity), random men in bars (for fun), a client (terribly unethical, but that makes it even more exciting).
The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt. And I don't want to leave my husband. I've never been caught and I don't think I ever will be. I really haven't had any fallout from these illicit acts -- it hasn't affected my work or my personal life. Part of me thinks I do it because I always act so responsible and upstanding in all other parts of my life -- that I need some sort of release. I suspect I may stop if we have kids (we're in our mid-30s), but I don't really see a reason to. Is there something wrong with me?
Cheater
Dear Cheater,
You are a terrible human being, and for that you don’t deserve to keep your husband. Women are slaved and beaten in other countries for doing what you’re doing. It is immoral, and the fact that you think it is fun is right out distasteful. You should feel bad about what you are doing to your family.
I certainly hope that you never have kids as long as you’re acting in these immature ways. It doesn’t matter if you get caught or not, it is the fact that you are lying to your husband, something you swore not to do in the oath you took at the altar on your wedding day. I’m afraid there is nothing that will straight up happen to you if you continue, but every time you cheat your chances of getting caught increase. I guarantee that before you decide to stop, you will get caught by your husband, and it will be ugly. So I strongly advise you to either stop your affairs immediately, or to tell your husband and let him deal with you. I feel that if you cut off your affairs you can be renewed of your sins, and god will forgive you of your actions. That is only if you are truly sorry, and don’t ever do it again. What you are doing is wrong and I hope you realize it. There is still time for you to save your marriage if you want.
If you don’t feel that you are in the wrong, and are going to continue in these bad ways, then it is up to you to be responsible and tell your husband. It is not fair to him to be cheated out of love like this. You are only wasting his time, and the longer you wait, the harder it is going to be. If you truly love him, then you will do what is best for him. If you can’t let go of your other men, then let your husband go. You are being selfish, and irresponsible, and you disgust me.
Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear Concerned,
High school kids are constantly trying to fit in with crowds these days and your girlfriend’s daughter is no different. She just wants to do what her friends are doing. In this case, I believe that it is a problem because your girlfriend should say what it right and what is wrong for her own child. Her daughter is still in high school and therefore still under the guidance of her mother. Her mother should be the one to decide if it okay for her to dress up like a slut. You should not confront the issue with the daughter because you are not responsible for her and she would probably rebel with whatever you say because you have no authority over her. I personally agree with you that she should not dress in the way that is slutty, but it is not for me to decide. If your girlfriend finds that it’s fine to dress like a slut for Halloween, then she should be able to. If you feel strongly enough to write to me, then I suggest that you confront your girlfriend about your concerns. This would be the most effective way to do anything. It should not be all about anything the kid wants, the kid gets. It should be a mutual thing between the kid and their parents. And it should be like this until the kid no longer lives with their parents. This will also give them incentive to move out of the house so they are not living with you until they are thirty. I’m not exactly sure what you mean by your last statement. I don’t think I agree with you about being “better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings.” Especially since you said you have a girlfriend. But this would be an entire new response to a different concern.
I definitely think this is a real issue in our society and is need of fixing. It seems like girls just use Halloween as an excuse to dress up in minimum clothing and show off their bodies. It seems like they will take any character, even children’s characters and turn it into a slutty costume. On Halloween it seemed like every girl I saw was trying to where the smallest amount of clothing as possible. I saw one girl dressed up as Pebbles, from the Flintstones, well a slutty version of her. I even saw Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz that looked like she would give it away to the Scarecrow. I was once told, by a girl, that all women are sluts on the inside and they just use Halloween as an excuse to act like one. Now, while I don’t believe that, it sometimes seems like it. Now I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, cause I am I guy and like to see pretty women, but some girls do go a little over the top.
When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
First of all everyone dresses out of their element when it is Halloween, so you can’t judge your son or daughter based on the costume they wear because the majority of kids from the east coast to the west coast dress out of their personality.
As a parent you can try and set limits on what your son and daughter can or can’t wear, but no matter what you say they can or can’t wear, the child is going to wear whatever they want. For example a parent did want their daughter to dress like a “slut” they will tell their daughter to but on more clothes and so then the daughter will put on my clothes to please the parents, and then allowing them to go out. But then as soon as the daughter gets out of the sights of her parents, they will take off all the extra clothes that her parents made her put on. So basically what I am saying here is that a parent or parents can put limits on what their child does, but it is totally up to the individual child to what happens.
No matter how hard the parents try to send their child in the right direction, it’s all up to the individual to he or she wants to do. For example, parents might really want their child to be a lawyer or a doctor, but the child might really want to become a drug dealer because they love the thrill of breaking laws and making money in order to smoke the drugs that they have for free.
Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear Concerned,
Dude, it's Halloween.
People wear costumes. It's pretend. It's I Think That's My Boss in the Bustier and Garters Ween. It's Hallo Hookers and Sluts Live in the Hearts of All Righteous and True Women Ween.
Let us sing a song of Halloween. An ancient incantation. Here are words for us to sing.
It's time for all that's repressed to rise from its graveyard and flout its slutty self, for everything frightening to scare us, for everything attractive to fill us with desire, for everything hidden to be seen and shared, for everything strange to seem normal once again, for everything insane to be understood, for everything unbearable to be borne, for everything unhearable to be heard.
If any lines are going to be crossed, any untoward word said, any strange vision appear, any unthinkable thought be thought, any unbreakable rule be broken, any impossible fences be climbed, any clothes be shed, any roles be exchanged, any vows be suspended, any treaties be sealed, any enemies see themselves in each other, any false friends see their falseness, let it be done on Halloween.
It's a night to praise our ancestors burned for being witches. It's a night to bless our ancestors imprisoned for being anarchists and hung for being black and tortured for being gay and sneered at for being strange and blacklisted for being communist and shunned for being lame and shut in for being blind and cursed for being devilish and frozen out for being warm. It's a night for the fucked up and fucked over and fucked around to get back and get even and get over and get well.
It's just one night. For just one night we let go of our precious, obsessional hold. We let go of the ringing cash register and the heavy, silent till. We let go of the obsessional ledger written in that obsessional, speed-freak hand. We let go of the hourly wage recorded with a clunk and a clang on endless yellow timecards. We let go of the minuscule raise that we hardly even want. We let go of our computation and our consultation and the tiny hateful things we control the rest of the year.
We Protestants let go of our righteousness and virtue, we pagans let go of our orchestrated coolness, we Catholics let go of our crushed erotic saints and we Jews let go of whatever it is that binds us and drives us into the desert. Whatever it is that won't let us sing and dance, we let go on Halloween.
For one night we stop. We stop being executives. We stop being cops. We stop being artists and we stop being salesmen. We stop being editors and we stop being kings. We stop with the puffing and the huffy huff huff. We stop with the glad-handing and back-slapping and the promises of call-backs never to be made. We stop with the tickets and stop with the bail. We stop with the judging and sending to jail. We stop our bitching and moaning and at midnight we think about death.
Death. Here it comes in costume down the street. Death as the reaper. Death as the white sheet of insubstantial memory. Death as the bloody car crash victim. Death as the maggoty corpse risen from the grave. Death as the headless horseman riding his cliché. Death in all the forms we can imagine it in save the one form that resists all our fiercest imagining, the one form in which it forever hides its truth.
Snap out of it. Sit on the curb and try to sober up. Think about death, how soon it will come. Think about your breath: How many are left? Count your coupons and your change. How many are left?
Think about your feet. Think about the night. Think about the nurses and the schoolgirls. Think about your mother and the strap. Think about the birthing and the screams. Think about the screams in the graveyard and the maternity ward. Think about the bullshit, how you'd like to rise above it. Think about being 16. Think about facing George Bush from when you were 9 to when you are 16. Can you imagine what it's like to be 16 today? What hope is there? What dreams? What possibilities? Let her dress like a slut if she wants.
That's why we do it. That's why we pretend. The real thing we can't handle. The real thing is too much. So we pretend.
Dude, it's Halloween.
Dear Concerned,
I understand that you are worried that your girlfriend’s daughter is saying more by wearing her school girl costume, but I assure you, you and your girlfriend have nothing to worry about. Halloween is a holiday where people can go outside the norm and create new characters. This holiday allows people to dress up however they want and express themselves in ways they normally wouldn’t. Don’t misunderstand this holiday as a cry-out from kids because they decide to pretend.
Also, remember concerned that this ultimately up to the parent of the child. If your girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with her daughter’s costume then you have to let go and be ok with it as well.
Think about this: Who really wants to be a monster or a ghost in real life? This imagining is the point of the holiday Halloween. As for the mother, you should give your child a little lee way on this holiday, she’s getting older and the older she gets the more mature she’ll get with herself.
Cheater,
I was blown away when I read your question. In fact I really didn’t know what to say to you. First things first this behavior is not in any way morally and ethically alright. In fact it is downright outrageous. I mean having cheated on a significant other is fairly common among relationships, but having cheated on every man that you have ever dated is absolute madness. I believe that this could be due to an inherent personality flaw that you have. Everyone at times likes to have a little fun and explore, but you take it five levels above what is okay. Not only are you going to hurt your partner (I use partner not lover because you can in no way say you love someone and do this to them), but you are just embarrassing yourself. I come from a catholic family where marriage and commitment are taken very seriously. I look down on this behavior and would have to say that you have a problem. Maybe you were sheltered about sexual knowledge growing up so you are over compensating for it now. Maybe you are just a slut. Either way you have a problem and what you are doing should in no way continue. It is your prerogative to have sex with whoever you chose, whenever you chose, but I would advise you to be a decent human being and leave the man you married because you are making a mockery of promise you made to him the day you were married. You do not love him because if you truly did love him you would not want to hurt him. Act like you have a heart and let him go because either way he will end up broken hearted, and you will have to live with it.
Dear Cary,
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Dear Troubled Mom,
There is a very fine line that people play these days especially teenagers. They don’t realize that the action the y do you really will reflect upon them and their family. It never became ok for teenagers to do what they wanted
Not everyone thinks out what they do before they act. Halloween is a very dangerous time to be out partying and having a good time. People think they can act differently and no one will think twice because its Halloween, well unfortunately that‘s not true. Life would be a whole lot more fun if we could act different one day and no one would think twice.
I understand she just might be “playing” the part at the party but playing a “part” could be seen very differently when it come to costumes. A person dressing as a ghost is very different then a person dressing slutty. Some people won’t just see it as dressing up for Halloween. Some might see it as the way she really is.
Just have your friend talk and let her daughter know that she is playing a very fine game. Every action she makes will have a reaction that is unavoidable, Halloween is no exception.
My wife keeps cheating but we have two kids. Should I leave her?
I have been married for 13 years to a woman I adore, respect and love. We have two children (7 and 9) whom we center our life around. As marriages go, we have had our share of challenges and ups and downs. We are both successful in our careers, which is good and bad. Both of us are competitive in the sense that we always strive for more. Last year my wife was sharing with me the trauma of a close friend. This woman was having an affair and her lover had just recently gone dark on her. She was distraught and depressed for months. She would have left her husband and children for this man, but the option was not hers to decide.
My wife said that would never happen to us because we fell in love and got married for all the right reasons -- we have a base. Well, several months later, my wife entered an affair with a married man.
They both were unwilling to blow up their marriages, so they met a couple of times that summer (he lives in a downtown hotel during the week and flies home for the weekends). Funny thing is, the affair was mostly via e-mail because they could not be seen in public together beyond work events -- they would lose all credibility and get fired.
I noticed something amiss in my wife all summer. There was more sex and she would constantly tell me we still have the spark. We went to London for her birthday without the kids and it felt like we were back in the early stages of a relationship. I finally looked at her BlackBerry and saw her e-mails to our close friend detailing how she is an emotional wreck and misses her affair man terribly.
She has compartmentalized it to the point that when I encouraged her to go on a big shopping spree to get her out of her funk (I did not know of the affair at this point), she e-mailed our friend that I have been such a great support to her. She stated in her e-mail that she loves me and wants to grow old with me, but needs this other man in her life for what it is.
Well, I confront her and she denies it, then says that she just passionately kissed him a few times. I continue to hound her for a week and she finally confesses. When she describes her fling, she is visibly emotional about her feelings for him and that he just used her. But when we discuss divorce, she is cold and nonemotional. This after all those months of telling me "there is still a spark, we have a base." We go to couples counseling and she states it is what it is and that she will never do it again, blah blah blah.
I am hurt, angry and depressed. I constantly ask her for more details, trying to understand how all this could happen. I want to know why there was no guilt. She says that she kept the two relationships separate and never felt guilty. I seek solace (read sex) in an ex-girlfriend and then a co-worker in a way to get back/even.
A couple of months later I search her BlackBerry and see her asking her old flame to meet her after a client dinner. I confront her and then proceed to come clean on my flings in order to make her come clean. She did not meet him as it turns out -- he rebuffed her. So we start the whole messy rebuilding again. A year passes and I see her BlackBerry open with an e-mail to him. The e-mail details their planned meeting for the following night at his hotel before their client dinner. The e-mail includes sordid details and how he makes her feel sexy. BTW, she is e-mailing me at the same time (at our daughter's softball game) saying how she loves me and to hurry home. They had seen each other for the first time in a couple of months at another event and tried to get rid of the awkwardness and discuss how to be professional around each other for the future. He e-mails her later that night and states that "he still has strong feelings for her -- what does she feel?" Of course she has feelings for him.
Again I confront her and she states that she needs to do this in order to gain closure. She further states that she probably would not have gone through with it, since we were so much better relationship-wise and working as a team. Yeah, right. OK, sorry for the rant, I trust you will condense for clarity. So what the f$%k should I do? I cannot trust her again. If I ever do, it will be a long time. She still states that she does not love him and he is the asshole for luring her back in again. Seems like deflection to me. The finances and kids are a pain point for me at this time. Any words of wisdom?
Dear Man who needs to leave his Whore of a wife,
As bad as it sounds I think that you need to leave your relationship as quickly as possible. She has cheated on you not once, not even twice, but multiple times and still doesn’t seem to leave this d-bag after she admits that she has no feelings for him and that he is just an asshole. Let me clarify this for you, although you are both successful on your own, she is using you for a cover up. She is manipulating you for all that you are worth. She knows that you love her and you would do anything just to keep her happy and the kids. She knows how you think and the way you act and is playing you for a fool. She is walking on you and you are blind to see it. Now it would be just as smart too pick yourself up a new fly honey and take her straight to the sac, yet wise mans words “two wrongs don’t make a right.” And obviously if this wife of yours can’t keep it in her pants for the man whom she supposedly loves; then she just isn’t the person whom you thought she was. No woman is worth giving everything to especially one whom gave birth to your children yet is cheating on you on the side.
So my best advice to you , instead of paying all that money for marriage counciling which seems to not have had an effect on her. I advise you to sit down and tell your wife its either one or the other. Because if you think about it with all that money your paying for counciling, its almost the same you would pay for a lawyer. If she chooses you, then it is your obligation to put your foot down and control her like women should be controlled. Yet if she chooses him, just make sure you get custody of your children and tell them never to be a lying cheating whore like their mother. Although it will be very hard for you to leave your wife if this happens, it will probably be for the best because your relationship is not healthy. I hope my advice is worthwhile, God Bless.
Halloween is approaching and I'm somewhat surprised to find myself troubled by something. My girlfriend has a daughter who is a senior in high school. She and her high school girlfriends plan to dress up all slutty for Halloween -- the daughter as a schoolgirl, and the friends as a nurse, a cop, etc. Basically, we're talking about stripper outfits. The daughter is a good kid and I doubt she's sexually active, which is what I think bothers me about it. It seems like she's just playing a role that she doesn't really understand -- one that edges dangerously close to the slippery slope of stereotypes and the limitations that come with them. Like when she pretends to be dumb when she really isn't for the sake of being cool.
The lack of concern on the part of the parents -- my girlfriend included -- also bugs me. When did "anything the kid wants to do" become OK?
Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for there being more slutty women in the world. I think we'd all be better off if more women became adventurous sexual beings before they reached their mid-40s. But wouldn't it be better for a girl to actually become a woman before she becomes a slut?
Concerned About the Kids
Dear Concerned Citizen,
After all, it is Halloween and it is the normal for high school girls to wear costumes of this fashion. However, it is a joke, not serious. This does not necessarily mean that “anything the kid wants to do” is okay. It just means that your girlfriend has chosen to pick her battles wisely. For instance, the mother may forbid her daughter to wear the costume, but you must remember that she is merely a teenager and the parent’s word is not always the one that goes. Who is to say that she will not walk out of the house and change costumes in spite of her mother’s warnings? This would ultimately lead to more battles, less trust, and even less listening on the daughter’s part. In the long run it may not be a wise idea for the child to wear such a costume but the odds are that it would turn out badly if your girlfriend were to not allow her to wear it. Teens are teens and will always be teens, it is just that stage between childhood and adulthood where people will not listen and there are just some things that teens need to learn on their own. Just because she looks like a slut does not make her one, if she would like to place herself in a stereotype that is her decision that she will have to learn the consequences for.
Sincerely,
Me
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